Oh yes, I have learned. I have loved. I have felt the hot air and the cool breeze. I have felt the sand between my toes and the rain down my back. I have broken hearts and have had my own broken. I know the grassy knoll and the frozen snow. I have murdered in cold blood. I have collected shells. I have burned down houses. I have chugged three yahoos in under sixty seconds. I know what its like to have someone’s mailbox splinter underneath your brandishing baseball bat and to feel the pieces graze against the cover of your ski mask. Ah yes, high school has taught me so much over the years.

I remember back in sophomore year when Johnny Rascals and Kevin Box lit themselves on fire to prove that spontaneous combustion wasn’t really as spontaneous as it was made out to be. After dousing the flames, my biology teacher, Mr. Fishman, promptly scolded the two smoldering corpses and called their parents, who – after the funerals – grounded them for two weeks. I remember learning from that experience how it important it is to always follow the teacher’s instructions – even when you’re dead.

From contaminating the school’s water reserve to unconventional animal sacrifices, I have done my best to leave a mark on this school.

Now that I think about, I’ll probably be most remembered for my performance with my heavy metal band Toothpaste Maintenance at the Affluent Children Awareness (ACA) fundraiser, an event to make sure that kids who are wealthier than you can feel accepted in society.

We played a total of five songs, including a speed metal version of Nsync’s “Bye, Bye, Bye” and an original piece called “Douse the Flames with More Fire” so that the little kids didn’t feel left out.

Although I had a great time, I don’t think the parents appreciated the goat skull costumes or the fire-breathing mermaid we set upstage. Even when I pointed out that they weren’t goat skull costumes but the skeletal remnants of their children’s pets fashioned together with super glue and duct tape, they didn’t seem to appreciate the performance.

But alas, with all my efforts to help the school I feel sad to leave it. I have thrown so much energy into East that I can’t help but wish to stay here longer. I never was able to finish massacring every incoming freshman or collect the three thousand index fingers I needed to finish my larger-than-life finger painting sculpture – constructed out of actual fingers.

I suppose I’ll just have to visit sometime next year.

I want to pass some wisdom on to you, before my 3:15 nap, and before you graduate and step into the world.

As our lives progress, we must unfold not only what’s in front of our very eyes, but also ourselves. Life presents us with very distinct, always diverging, paths to choose from, and we always have choices to make. I have mulled over this theory since my days as a young girl at the Tennessee cereal factory packaging breakfasts: in life you have the option of being like a raisin in Raisin Bran Crunch, my favorite cereal (also the only one I eat: I have a monogamous relationship with my cereal), rare and tantalizing, or you can be a pedestrian bunch.

Me, I lived like a raisin, and I have the wrinkles to prove it.

Let’s begin now. I was born in 1932, in a Memphis hospital beneath the pumpkin-colored October moon. My mother always told me that from the moment I was born, I was up and moving. I even slapped the doctor before he could slap my tush.

Life is about going places, and from the moment I could crawl, I went everywhere. To a child, the world is a grand and mystical jungle, one that slowly becomes thinner with time. It’s hard to lose oneself amongst the trees as the body and mind age, but the trees never leave us.

Speaking of which, I absolutely adore trees. Although, my dear friend Eleanor and I did run into some trouble when we climbed the maple tree in the park last year to put a fallen bird’s nest back and, well, let’s just say that the gentlemen at the fire department are very strong (and rather dapper in their uniforms).

Our children told us afterward that they would prefer we find entertainment at home and not through exploring the world, but what do they know? They haven’t studied biochemical engineering, belly-danced for European dukes, or climbed mountains like I have.

Today kids have television for entertainment. Psh.

When I was a gal we had the earth for our entertainment. In fact, one time I remember, in high-school, my girlfriends and I went on a cow-tipping spree during the middle of the night. Sure it was dangerous, but it was exhilarating.
Life, my dears, is about taking chances and not letting fun slip away.

So, my dears, let me just say this: when life gets dry, pour some milk (preferably 2 percent) over yourself, wake up, and go about into the jungle that is life.

Don’t let the world slip through your fingers, and always, always follow your own rhythm; but don’t be afraid to change it.

Life cannot be replayed, paused, or rewound: it only moves forward, and it’s our job to keep up.

All my middle-aged kids do is complain about the recession and how costly everything is. Not me! I’ll go to the movies or out shopping. After all, one can never have enough two-piece color coded jumpsuits to walk around the mall in. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking: If I can barely even see the colors anymore, why bother buying newer, flashier ones. Well, obviously, it’s because Mr. Fluffy, my kitty cat, likes them. And because I get them ten percent off with a little show of my card. Yeah, I know: you’re jealous.

So what if my arthritis always acts up? If I keep my TV on channel six, I get the news, Wheel of Fortune AND Jeopardy. There really is no need to ever change the channel, which greatly reduces the stress on my joints. All I have to do is press the little “on” button and sit down in my orthopedic chair and watch that cutie pie Alex Trebeck ask questions. I like that fella so much I turn up my hearing air just to hear him louder.

I may have liver spots and an artificial life, but I am unique…because I am antique.

“When the leaves start falling we tend to see a phenomenal increase in the use of anti-anxiety medication,” says Doctor James Grammar.

Doctors, including Grammar, began studying the seemingly harmful, psychological effects of trees losing their leaves in the fall months in the early 1970s. However, it was only late last year when they decided to take action.

Melissa Winston, head of project R.A.K.E (Response to Any Kind of Earth), said the goal was originally to “dispose of the very conspicuous leaf problem.”

That isn’t the only problem this “mechanized metallic beast with a chipper attitude” can fix, Winston said. “While we were building Rake-Man, the most utterly horrid thing happened: a button broke off my blouse. I nearly fainted, I nearly collapsed. But then, under the bright fluorescent lights, Rake-Man sewed me a new blouse.”

From that point on, it seemed, the new invention was going to be quite beneficial to society.
However, yesterday at 4:01 in the afternoon, when R.A.K.E unveiled their new system, a cataclysmic event occurred. The new system, built entirely out of titanium and hard-wired with digital maneuvering systems, in addition to a liquid nitrogen engine, stood at more than seventy feet tall, thirty feet wide.

Entitled “Rake-Man,” this “gargantuan pinnacle of American technology cost more than 7 billion dollars, but will obliterate any fallen leaf in its path,” said Joe Phillips, the designer of the “Rake-Man.”

Phillips said he gained inspiration from “the couture of the natural world, where industrial fashion is like wearing a fall hat in the spring. But I was ready for the challenge of combing these two separate elements together.”

During the hour-long speech ceremony, before a crowd estimated to be in the hundreds of thousands outside the Lincoln Memorial, the technological feat, with large metal rakes for arms and legs, stood motionless.

However, as Winston walked onto the stage and dispersed several bags of maple leaves before the robot, “Rake-Man” started to respond. At first he began to simply rake the leaves into “neat and dainty piles” as Winston described, but then Rake-Man noticed the trees beyond the stage.

“All of a sudden we just heard this gargling noise, like when you use too much Listerine, and then the thing just leapt from the stage,” said one spectator Carol Matthews.

Lee Hampton said “it started ripping the trees out of the ground and plucking off the leaves. Then it just turned all the leaves into gelatin. They sure don’t have anything like this in Arkansas.”

When asked about the gelatinous leaves, Phillips said, “We designed Rake-Man to turn any fallen leaf in a sugar-free Jello-like substance to combat diabetes. It seems, though, that the system has targeted all leaves.”

Authorities and a team of scientists have begun following the trail of leaves and Jello left behind by Rake-Man.

Rake-Man’s rampage has incited a nation-wide panic, with officials at the Pentagon reportedly in shambles and unsure of what to do to combat the “leaf-eating, shirt-pleating monster,” as the official White house Press Release referred to Rake-Man.

Reports are coming in as we follow Rake-Man’s trail that gardening stores across America have been quarantined and that countless shovels, hoes and gardening hoses are being questioned by the CIA.

Citizens have been encouraged to avoid any and all trees in close proximity due to wide-spreading jello-fication of leaves.

Looking for a laugh this summer? Year One is a must-see for comedy lovers. Jack Black and Michael Cera take viewers back thousands of years to the first year ever. Black and Cera play two lazy hunter-gatherers and end up banished from their village. The movie follows their epic journey around the world and through ancient civilizations. Take the hilarious two-thousand-year-journey back in time on June 19.

Want even more comedy? Perhaps a romantic comedy? When In Rome is a movie about a young woman named Beth (Kristen Bell) who heads to Rome for her sister’s wedding. Defiant, after a couple glasses of champagne, Beth picks a coin from a “fountain of love” and is caught under a love spell. A businessman (Danny DeVito), a street magician (Jon Heder), a painter (Will Arnett) and a self-admiring model (Dax Shepard) are found chasing after Beth fighting for her love. But all along, a charming reporter (Josh Duhamel), whom she met at her sister’s wedding, is falling for her. Want to know who Beth ends up with? This movie also hits theatres on August 7.

If comedy isn’t for you, and you would rather have adventure, don’t miss Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson star once again as Harry, Ron and Hermione in an action-packed, magical adventure at Hogwarts. The students are back at school for their sixth year and encounter more danger than ever. Voldemort is becoming stronger and has a tight grip on both the magical and muggle worlds. Dumbledore brings in his old friend Professor Horace Slughorn to help acquire very important information that could save Harry in an epic battle between him
and Voldemort. Many new romantic relationships also form among the teenage students. This movie is sure to thrill viewers. Head to theatres July 15 to watch Harry, Ron and Hermione in another movie based on J.K. Rowling’s hit series.

Based on the best selling book, The Time Traveler’s Wife takes drama and romance lovers on a wild ride. Henry DeTamble (Eric Bana) has a rare genetic disorder that causes him to time-travel through his lifespan.

Unfortunately, he has absolutely no control over it. When he falls in love with a woman named Clare Abshire (Rachel McAdams), they are constantly separated without warning. Can Clare and Henry’s true love keep them together? This movie hits theatres on August 14.

With so many exciting movies coming out, it looks like Summer ’09 won’t be so sunny… at least not inside the movie theatres. So ditch the high SPF and ice cream and take on the popcorn and tickets instead. This summer’s full of hot blockbusters.

“We have had more than 98 percent of the student and faculty bodies join the club,” he said as tears formed in his eyes. “I couldn’t be more proud.”

O’Schmeeza says that the school will travel to Seattle, Washington, the filming location of the Twilight movies. In letters sent home to parents of students, O’Schmeeza asked that students bring “any and all vampire attire.”

The avid Twilight fan says there will be a massive bon fire held the night of the school’s arrival in Seattle, in addition to an outdoor camping feast. “I can’t wait for the trip,” said senior Janice Incoshmingo. “It will be like we are all vampires, all of us,” she continued.

The trip is to last one week, during which students and teachers will tour the filming location and possibly meet some of the film’s stars. The Twilight Debate Club, which helped coordinate the trip, erupted into uncontrollable screams of joy when asked about the possibility of meeting Robert Pattinson, who plays Edward Cullen in the film series based on the books written by Stephanie Meyer.

O’Schmeeza said the goal of the trip was to “instill in the youth at the school a feeling of purpose and accomplishment, that they can be the vampires and werewolves that we idolize on the screen. We want to show our students that even when the full moon is hidden behind several nimbus clouds, they can follow their dreams.”

The field trip follows several changes made to Cherry Hill East’s appearance over the past few months. In addition to the cougar mascot being replaced by an Edward Cullen mascot, the school hours themselves have changed.

O’Schmeeza announced in March that school hours would “run from seven pm. until 2 a.m., the optimal hours under the moonlight.”

George Meadows (’12), brother of the leader of the Twilight Debate Club, Sally Meadows, said, “My sister and I think the new hours are fantabulous. Since we are both part werewolf, we will be able to really get to know ourselves from this new schedule.”

Miranda Gold (’11) said, “I just feel like howling at the moon, I can’t wait for class!”

O’Schmeeza says the new hours would allow for a more “authentic Twilight ambiance in the school.” The school board voted unanimously to support the new school hours, feeling that “class under the stars” would evoke a greater school spirit.