The last straw finally came after weeks of vicious protesting, when in Los
Angeles, a group of men attacked a trucker, stealing 200 pounds of frozen meat and later dispersing it throughout the city’s streets and alleyways, allegedly trying to send a message about their intense anger.  Outraged about the incident, the governor of California immediately called the president, demanding for something to be done.

Soon, during another emergency meeting of congress, various congressmen announced they would be dropping their support from the abolition of Manuary law, including members of the executive cabinet and the president himself.  Like clockwork, congress then came to a quick and almost unanimous vote, overturning the law and bringing back the banned holiday.

As for now, analysts are predicting that next year’s Manuary will be bigger than ever, as its fans and followers are ecstatic about the return of their annual festival, celebrating everything manly, tough, and beard-related.

Questions have been surfacing around school about the backpack, such as how many full grown men could fit inside it, and what was actually there now. Rumors of the bag’s unknown contents have escalated to the point of one freshman claiming she saw her friend “climb in” and “never come out”.

Due to these rising rumors and parents’ complaints of having their children eaten by backpacks (“oh, so they suddenly want us now” claimed a rather resentful daughter) the principal was forced to order an immediate search of the boy’s bag.

The boy was reported complaining of “a violation of privacy” and how he was “supposed to live with the fact that [he] would forever be known as the boy whose backpack ate a person”. (The principal remarked that it would be much harder having to live in a backpack at all, and the boy had no comment.)

Fortunately, the girl was not found in the boy’s bag. Upon investigation of its contents, startling discoveries were made. There were binders bigger than notebooks, notebooks bigger than binders, and a bunch of notebooks and binders that were bigger than themselves. Among the most unusual pf these discoveries were: a snakebite survival kit, a rare rock collection, a George Foreman Grill (“what, you never get hungry in class?” the boy commented) and, of course, the seventh Harry Potter book.

As for the girl, she was never found in the boys backpack. She was found hours later at the staples, having skipped school to spend the day looking for a bigger backpack.

1. Before school, I have hall duty, every day. Unlike most teachers who were assigned one specific location to monitor, I got to the meeting where they gave out those assignments late (because I was lost on the other side of the building, but that story’s for later) so the only assignment left was floating the whole school.

2. Because I spend my mornings in every corner of East simultaneously, I spend those first official six minutes of school rushing through the halls, but never can seem to get to homeroom on time.

3. First period, I have my prep time, which I generously use to prep other teachers. I pop into different rooms, delivering pertinent preparatory information to various educators.

4. Second period, I have office aid duty, so I spend my time from 8:58 to 9:42 delivering passes to students.

5. Third period I have cafeteria duty. I have the distinguished role of preventing the common offense of skipping lunch, so I spend my third periods chasing delinquent lunch students around school and bringing them back to the cafeteria.

6. Fourth period is the same as third period, except in Cafeteria 2.

7. After an exhausting four periods, I get my well-deserved break during period five. First, I pick up a wrap from the cafeteria. I pride myself on my healthy lifestyle, so I usually spend my break walking the halls to keep in shape.

8. Next, I have hall duty in C-wing. I spend these forty-four minutes carefully educating the future generation about proper hallway conduct.

9. Sixth period, I have my prep period for the rest of the day, so I visit some more teachers.

10. By seventh period, I’m usually hungry again so I grab another wrap on my way to f-wing hall duty.

11. Eighth period, office aid again.

12. After school, repeat of before school duties.

Not only am I the busiest teacher, I am also, humbly, the most flexible and most important. Most teachers teach one subject five times in a row. But I play a different role each period. And walking, the skill mastered in East’s hallways, is the only subject that each student will truly use every day of his/her life.

However, Boombaum added, “I guess stuff like this happens, and all I can do is teach the class and pray I get through with all of my appendages still attached.”

The Cherry Hill School Board sings a different tune. “I always thought that it would be so awesome to be able to make explosions like in the movies,” Board member Erin Jones said.

Jones said that she definitely pushed for the class. “I want my kids to be able to walk away from buildings that they set on fire, like Will Smith does,” Jones said. “I guess it’s selfish of me.”

According to the description in the course selection booklet, students in this class will “have a fun, educational experience setting things on fire during lab days. Experiences include learning to make waterproof fires, blowing up various foodstuffs, and creating small-scale explosions on the soccer fields.”

William Maker (’12) said that he was thrilled to find out he is taking Rec. Chem., as the course has been affectionately nicknamed. “I don’t know why they didn’t do this sooner. My buddy Jake—he’s graduated now—he would’ve loved this. He used to buy wraps and set them on fire.”

East representatives have said that they will pass out safety waivers on the first day of classes.

“Listening to those articulate politicians felt like a lightning-bolt of newfound knowledge had just hit me square in the face, simmering my brain cells with the muddy-colored water from the kettle of Tea Party enlightenment,” he said. “In particular, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry swept me away. Those people put Steven Hawking to shame. I thought to myself, ‘move over, Jefferson, Paine, Machiavelli, and Marx, there are new political theorists in town.”’

He says he felt great antipathy towards government now.

“I mean, these people made great points. Who is the government to tell me how much lead should be in the paint that coats my children’s toys? If I want to my children to play with blocks of lead themselves, my children will darn well play with blocks of lead themselves.”

He agreed with Michele Bachmann’s earlier comments that the Department of Education should be abolished.

“The Department of Education, give me a break. I ain’t never had no education, and look at me. I done turned out just fine.”

When asked about the role of government in individual citizen’s lives, he sided with the Tea Party.

“This is America,” he said. “The government shouldn’t help you. I never needed any handouts. The government needs to stay out of my life. Survival of the fittest; it’s nature’s law. I mean, as long as I have the government give me subsidies for my business, Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security, I’m golden. I don’t need any government help.”

He tended to disparage government in general.

“Besides providing the military that keeps me safe, the postal service that delivers my mail, the roads I drive on, help to the sick and needy, food for poor children, health care to the poor, protection of the environment, public libraries so we can access books, building codes that protect lives, the police, fire, and emergency services that keep order and save countless lives, and schools that educate our children, what has government ever done for me? Besides those small, miniscule, irrelevant, and pointless things, practically nothing.”

He spoke on economic issues; “Those job creators are really going to get the economy rolling. Though corporations have seen record growth and profit, I’m sure they’ll help the rest of Americans out. After all, they are in business to make profit. Didn’t that Jesus fella say “blessed are the rich?” No? Oh, well. Still, who has ever heard of a greedy Wall Street executive, destructive oil company, or dishonest business man? No one.”

He ended with an assault on people of opposite political opinions.

“Because I love the Constitution and Bill of Rights so much, I want government to infringe upon freedom of speech by using the semi-legal enactments such as the Patriot Act to wiretap the people’s lines so that America knows everyone who doesn’t think like I do is an un-American, red, commie, Nazi, pinko, Bolshevik, Marxist, socialist, anarchist, tree-hugging, Rachel Maddow-loving, fascist, Maoist liberal. God bless America.”

 When I was growing up, I hated elementary school. Although I will admit that my constant habit of spitting in my teachers faces was no help, it just was not equipped for my academic caliber. So when I was able to get out of there, I bolted. Though my fifth grade graduation was awkward, since when everyone threw their hats in the air, I threw mine at my teacher. Sorry Mr. Peachtree.

Then, I went to middle school and hated that too. My love of Harry Potter forced me to deviate from the social scene at school. So, when everyone was wearing Hollister, I wore round Harry Potter spectacles and a Gryffindor scarf…all year round. Again, this school was not equipped for my social caliber. Though different from elementary school (in classes and people), it seemed like I had made no progress. But, I did have another awkward 8th grade graduation, since I tripped on my Harry Potter scarf.   

Then, High School entered my life. Great wraps, talkative lunch ladies, funny romances (I’m looking at you two, Howard and Rosenberg) and classes are just a few things that made my high school years memorable. I loved the classes. They kept me busy. Sorry, if I like the smell of brain sweat in the morning and sorry if the freshman fifteen doesn’t appeal to me. I prefer my freshman five topping wrap, thank you very much. So, when I sent in my request for classes at East next year, imagine my surprise when my guidance councilor asked me into her office, staring at me for five full minutes before saying that this was not a funny senior prank. She sent me out of her office when I said it wasn’t. I’m not coming back for the guidance counselors, let me make that clear.

I want to stay at East forever, even if it means disguising myself as a student and arbitrarily picking classes to enter everyday and when the teacher asks me if I’m in the right class, Ill respond with Spanish, in which case she will understand I’m a foreign exchange students and ignore me, just the way I like it.

Specifically, Watson is leaving the prestigious liberal arts college to go to Hogwarts for real this time.

She said, “Well, I get a lot of Hogwarts letters from fans. Some are more real-looking than others. But when I first got this letter, I knew it was different.”

According to Watson’s close friend and Harry Potter co-star Daniel Radcliffe, Watson was standing at the mailbox waiting for Seventeen magazine. Radcliffe said, “Emma loves reading about the newest fashion trends in all the magazines, and Seventeen was due that day. But she came back from the mailbox all white-faced and shaking with this letter in her hand.”

Radcliffe said that he did not think the letter looked real.

“I’d gotten better attempts at the real thing,” he said. “And why was the letter all yellowed? And the paper was so thick. And it was in curly handwriting. Some people obviously need to watch the movies.”

But Watson’s suspicions were confirmed when she opened the letter.

“I knew it was real because it said ‘Dear Ms. Watson.’ The fan mail always says ‘Ms. Granger.’ And it was exactly the same letter as the one in the book,” said Watson.

Watson immediately cancelled all her classes at Brown University. “I originally wanted a liberal arts education,” she said, “but come on; I’m going to be a witch!”

Watson plans to be at King’s Cross Station by eight o’clock on September 1. “I want to be early,” she said.

She knows that she will be older than the majority of the students in Hogwarts, and that most of her peers will be eleven years old, as first years are, but Watson said that the benefits of being a witch outweigh these minor setbacks. Watson, who has already packed up all of her belongings and stolen several pairs of black robes from the set of Harry Potter, claims these benefits include being able to fly, defeating dark wizards and landing a job in the Ministry of Magic.

As Watson said, “Let’s be honest, there are only four jobs in the world of wizardry: quidditch player, ministry worker, teacher or being a healer. But I’ll use my witch skills in the muggle world, of course.”

At press time, Watson was leaning casually against the barrier between platforms nine and ten at King’s Cross Station, “just testing it out” in case the barrier had opened early.

Available solely to upperclassmen, the Nap elective will be offered in both advanced placement and honors levels. If one takes the class, the student will be required to take a placement test to determine which level of Nap he or she will take.

 “The process of establishing who belongs in Nap is extremely rigorous,” said guidance counselor Ms. Ashley Fenderbee. “The board was very precautious in adding this class to begin with. If not taken seriously, this could badly affect the future of East electives.”

East students will be tested on how heavily they nap, the speed of their REM (Rapid-Eye Movement), and how much they toss-and-turn while napping to verify in which class they will be placed.  

“This isn’t study-hall,” said Physical Education/Nap AP teacher, Mr. Ben Klyff. “This is Nap. We study the effectiveness and psychological advances of all things Nap. There’s a difference.”

Nap is offered only as a full-year elective.

“I think it’s a good idea,” said Sally Luna (‘13) who instantaneously dropped all her books and started napping on the floor. “I’m always practicing for Nap AP. I’m an over-achiever,” Luna announced ten minutes after she awoke.

“The students are really looking forward to see this elective next year, and so am I!” said guidance counselor Mr. Glen Westsnidge. “I might have to check it out…”

One potential Nap Honors teacher—kept anonymous upon request—leaked information detailing a probable final project.

 “The students would have to keep a diary of all their dreams in Nap throughout the whole year and eventually compile all the stories into one, finished project,” said the teacher.

Further information on Nap AP/H to be exposed soon.