“Mmf! Grfff! Mmmmh,” said Kline.

The alien, which resembled a large spider with a tail, fell off her face while she was recuperating in the nurse’s office.

“She seemed fine when she woke up, but she was back a few hours later complaining of chest pains during a math test. Since she had no visible injury, we had to send her back,” said school nurse, Diana Horowitz.

Midway through the math test, Kline’s chest pains reached a peak when a large snake-like creature erupted from her chest, scuttling off through the door.

Mr. John Daniels was Kline’s pre-calc teacher. “She was always somewhat rude, texting during class, saying that the material had no real-world application, but this absolutely took the cake. She was crying throughout the entire test, moaning stuff like ‘please God kill me now’ when this thing just comes out of her chest and distracts everyone. It was the rudest thing I’ve ever seen in my 12 years of teaching.”

Dr. Ron O’Schmeeza promised a swift response to eliminate the alien creature. “I’ve consulted precedent on this,” he said in a statement issued the day of Kline’s incident, “and it seems our only option is to send in a team of heavily armed overconfident space marines in the hopes that one or two will survive, killing the alien in the process.”

Dr. O’Schmeeza did not say whether or not there would be future outbreaks, but if there are, he said, “we’ll probably just pretend like they didn’t happen, like if one were to hypothetically be at a prison or something like that.”

Kline’s funeral is scheduled for Monday.

Nose Pimples

      Have you ever found yourself two inches in front of the mirror, wondering what to do with the blackheads wedged between your nose and the rest of your face? These pimples are usually located in the space to the immediate side of the nose and aren’t directly on your nose or your cheek. These, my friends, are the dreaded corner-of-the-nose (COTN) pimples.

      What is the main predicament with these monsters? Actually, the COTN pimples are so prevalent in such a miniscule area that even the most experienced dermatologist with all the Clearasil and dermatological instruments (whatever they are) could not possibly conquer an entire army of COTN pests.

      You may say, “looks aren’t everything,” “I can live with a few imperfections and blemishes in the hidden valley on the corner of my nose, right?” “Who cares?”

      I do.

   The solution? Ditch noses altogether.

      The nose has really outlived its purpose as a sensory organ and body part. Who needs to breathe, smell, sneeze or, indirectly, taste? When it comes to war or peace, the answer to this question is as clear as a face without COTN blackheads.

      Without the nose, there is not a single opportunity for pores to be infected in an unreachable spot on the face. So nose, you had a good run, but now we must depart from one another.

      Problem solved.

Waiters Who Aren’t Named Dave

      At all restaurants, when servers introduce themselves, do you really pay attention?

Of course not.

You go to eat your food and drink your drink and be on your way. As a result, waiters and waitresses simply confuse the humble, innocent customer with all their different names.

      What’s the answer to this? A universal name for all servers. Yes, male and female servers will all be called by one unisex name – Dave.

      Think about it.  

When you go to a restaurant now, and you hear the waiter recite every specialty and amenity, he always includes his name. But, the closer you listen, the more obvious it is that all these poor waiters are saying is “My name is Dave. Please call me Dave. PLEASE.”

      So, along with the subliminal messages that all servers inevitably give off about their identity insecurities, there are even more practical benefits of the new name besides appeasing all the unhappy busboys and girls. If every waiter responds to the name Dave, there is never any confusion about who you are speaking to. Simply clear your throat, and call “Dave!” as forcefully as you can into the restaurant without being rude and, sure enough, at least one employee will come to gratify your needs.

Remember: Dave only wants the best for the customer so you should want what is best for Dave.

      Problem solved.

mainly by confusion over the concept of leap years

as well as the month of February in general.

Noah Marlin, 47, pondered February’s twenty-eight

days compared to the rest of the calendar year for nearly

all of his life, much to the annoyance of coworkers,

who Marlin often pestered with questions like

“Is it really fair for other months to be so

long, when February only gets 28 days?”,

losing the interest of anyone in earshot.

Yancy Karob, 45, who works in the same

office as Marlin, has often been subject to his

unwanted questionings.

“God, this guy’s a total loony. He kept asking me

over and over about ‘calendar equality’ and ‘fairness

to all months’. Then, he asked me about leap years, and I guess he thought they were part of some equality

operation that was just going to start taking effect in a few years. I told him they’d been happening for a

pretty long time, every 4 years. After that he kind of snapped.”

Reeling from these developments, Marlin has shut himself inside his apartment, and refusing to

open his blinds and doors. An eastside reporter managed contact Marlin over the phone, going

mad shortly thereafter. After the reporter was committed to a nearby psych ward, the recording

was examined, yielding—in between the anguished shrieks of an unlucky reporter—some details from the

introverted Marlin. Asked what he was doing and why he was holing himself up, he responded.

“The reason I’m not leaving my apartment is because the world has recently become a terrifying

hellscape, where nothing makes sense. I refuse to leave my apartment until February has 31 days.”

Marlin is being negotiated with by Cherry Hill Police, but the last officer to try and force

entry was met with a pet cat to the face, so negotiations may take more time.

Swift plead not guilty to purposely arriving late to every stop on her 15-minute route whenever student Richard King had a Calculus AP test.

“I was 23 seconds late to his stop the other day, or so this loony tells me,” she said, referring to King. “When he stepped onto the bus, he slapped me right across the face. Then he handed me a stopwatch and told me to start practicing on weekends.”

King claims, however, that East’s ambiance fueled his passionate response to Swift’s tardiness. “I have a 94 in Calc now because I got an 89 on that test: and that’s just not good enough. I dreamt last night of cougars, everywhere, scratching unit circles into my arms and I still can’t find theta!”

At this point in Swift’s trial, a court-appointed physician administered a sedative to King.

Later, King recounted the initiation of his mathematical woes. “Well, at first I thought ‘maybe she’s just sleepy today,’ or, ‘maybe there was a mother hen crossing the road,’” King said. “But I suspected something else when she started closing the doors on me.”

Swift, however, said she used the mechanical doors out of fear that King, who “always stood in perfect posture by the curb holding his textbook… stroking it,” would berate her driving skills by analyzing her bus route mathematically.

Wheezing from the pneumonia he contracted from waiting for the bus outside on December 15, the day of his Calculus AP unit test, King recalled a particular incident in greater detail, for which Swift was arraigned.

“I saw a speck of yellow from around the corner while I was just skimming the basic integration formulas. I got so startled she had arrived almost on-time that I flung my book a few feet in front of me. Then… I saw my bus driver jerk the wheel and jump the curb. She wanted my book, and she destroyed it.”

“That part is true, actually,” Swift said while on the stand.

East principal Ron O’Schmeeza said, “The word… ‘calculus’… contains the word ‘us.’ I think it is imperative that we… work as a team… a community… to ensure that the East community keeps the ‘us’… in calculus. Thank you.”

http://www.podcastrevolution.com/viewpodcast.php?pid=939

Student activities director and SGA advisor, Mr. Davidson, explains: “Everyone had a lot of fun this year during spirit week, but the Spirited Government Assembly’s mailbox has been inundated with messages containing concerns about how the overarching message of Spirit Week was lost in translation. For years now spirit week has been a competition, and we feel that if the classes participate because of Mario Kart or Crab Soccer, they are participating for the wrong reasons. Also, Waluigi is easily the best racer in that game, and could definitely take on Mario any day on DK Mountain.”