An Area man has entered a depression, caused

mainly by confusion over the concept of leap years

as well as the month of February in general.

Noah Marlin, 47, pondered February’s twenty-eight

days compared to the rest of the calendar year for nearly

all of his life, much to the annoyance of coworkers,

who Marlin often pestered with questions like

“Is it really fair for other months to be so

long, when February only gets 28 days?”,

losing the interest of anyone in earshot.

Yancy Karob, 45, who works in the same

office as Marlin, has often been subject to his

unwanted questionings.

“God, this guy’s a total loony. He kept asking me

over and over about ‘calendar equality’ and ‘fairness

to all months’. Then, he asked me about leap years, and I guess he thought they were part of some equality

operation that was just going to start taking effect in a few years. I told him they’d been happening for a

pretty long time, every 4 years. After that he kind of snapped.”

Reeling from these developments, Marlin has shut himself inside his apartment, and refusing to

open his blinds and doors. An eastside reporter managed contact Marlin over the phone, going

mad shortly thereafter. After the reporter was committed to a nearby psych ward, the recording

was examined, yielding—in between the anguished shrieks of an unlucky reporter—some details from the

introverted Marlin. Asked what he was doing and why he was holing himself up, he responded.

“The reason I’m not leaving my apartment is because the world has recently become a terrifying

hellscape, where nothing makes sense. I refuse to leave my apartment until February has 31 days.”

Marlin is being negotiated with by Cherry Hill Police, but the last officer to try and force

entry was met with a pet cat to the face, so negotiations may take more time.