Nap AP/H to be offered as an elective at east

O’Schmeeza announced just yesterday morning that the elective “Nap” will officially be added to the curriculum as of next year.

Available solely to upperclassmen, the Nap elective will be offered in both advanced placement and honors levels. If one takes the class, the student will be required to take a placement test to determine which level of Nap he or she will take.

 “The process of establishing who belongs in Nap is extremely rigorous,” said guidance counselor Ms. Ashley Fenderbee. “The board was very precautious in adding this class to begin with. If not taken seriously, this could badly affect the future of East electives.”

East students will be tested on how heavily they nap, the speed of their REM (Rapid-Eye Movement), and how much they toss-and-turn while napping to verify in which class they will be placed.  

“This isn’t study-hall,” said Physical Education/Nap AP teacher, Mr. Ben Klyff. “This is Nap. We study the effectiveness and psychological advances of all things Nap. There’s a difference.”

Nap is offered only as a full-year elective.

“I think it’s a good idea,” said Sally Luna (‘13) who instantaneously dropped all her books and started napping on the floor. “I’m always practicing for Nap AP. I’m an over-achiever,” Luna announced ten minutes after she awoke.

“The students are really looking forward to see this elective next year, and so am I!” said guidance counselor Mr. Glen Westsnidge. “I might have to check it out…”

One potential Nap Honors teacher—kept anonymous upon request—leaked information detailing a probable final project.

 “The students would have to keep a diary of all their dreams in Nap throughout the whole year and eventually compile all the stories into one, finished project,” said the teacher.

Further information on Nap AP/H to be exposed soon.

Pro-prom tips from Jake and Gina

 Having trouble finding a date to prom? Don’t know what styles are in this season? Need the most creative way to ask your date? Don’t worry, senior. The TOP TEN most frequently asked questions, hopes and prayers have been answered. Good luck and have fun! 

1.  Remember, no means yes. So if it seems like she doesn’t particularly want that kiss, just remember: she’s playing hard to get!

2.  Pimp canes will never go out of style.

3.  Forget the limo, travel by hot air balloon!

4.  Retro is in! So rock those afros and disco suits. (Pairs wonderfully with the aforementioned pimp cane.)

5.  Try substituting flowers with sauerkraut for your corsage… you might get hungry.

6.  Don’t have enough money to spend your after-party at the shore? No problem! Rent-A-Tent can supply you with a reasonably-priced tent for one-eighth the price of a shore house and your shore-experience will be even more hands-on than in a house!

7.  Ladies: Feeling dehydrated? Relax! Drink as much water as you possibly can. And regarding those bathroom issues; don’t worry! Your dress will soak up most of the urine.

8.  Does the person you wish to ask to prom already have a date? Not anymore.

9.  Do the Worm, Running-man, Stanky Leg, Dougie, Cat daddy, Jerk, Reject, Cha-Cha Slide, Electric Slide, Cotton-Eyed Joe, Wave, Cupid Shuffle, and every other extremely obnoxious dance move that must be performed by at least one person at every dance. Yes, it is necessary.

10. Roller skates are making a comeback, wear them to roll into prom with style.

“Friday” becomes the new ‘F-word’

Rebecca Black, the terrible teen-pop sensation that is sweeping the nation, is giving Friday a whole new reputation.

Thirteen-year-old Black just recently impressed the media with something they thought Miley Cyrus mastered years ago, terrible singing. The song “Friday,” was uploaded onto the video-sharing website also knows as Youtube and Black became a celebrity overnight. Unfortunately for Black, the outcome was worst than expected.

“The result of [Black’s] song was worse than everyone winning the lottery at the same time,” said music analysis Richard Marshall from the Research Institute of Fine Arts. “It’s like hearing babies cry, or a cry alarm going off in the middle of the night when the owner is on vacation. You get my point.”

Along with many other “haters,” Cherry Hill High School East Principal, Dr. Ron O’Schmeeza, and the East administrators have deliberately banned everything and anything having to do with Friday. According to O’Schmeeza, Friday must also now be referred to as the “F-word.”

Expecting utter chaos and upheaval, O’Schmeeza was pleased to admit that the parents, students and staff seemed extremely pleased with this decision.

“We have found that any student who believes otherwise, was quickly corrected by fellow classmates,” Said O’Schmeeza.

“I’m not one to give detention,” said environmental studies teacher, Mrs. Rina Row, “but, I gave a young girl detention yesterday because she kept repeatedly playing the video for the ‘F-word.’ The rest of the class applauded me after; I felt like a hero.”

Students and teachers alike now cringe at the sound of the “F-word” and O’Schmeeza has officially added the “Friday Rule” to the Student Code of Conduct, which will now appear in next year’s homework planners.

“It’s gonna stink for them Freshmeats at East next year when they sayin’ the ‘F-word,’ and all,” said East student, Marc Yacobi (‘11). “Hopes they likin’ detention!”

With Black’s “Friday” mess cleaned up, O’Schmeeza, the administrators, faculty, students, and parents alike all agree that if Black writes a song about any other day of the week, month, or year, it will be immediately be banned from the school before it invades the minds of East’s precious, young scholars.

No word on whether O’Schmeeza and the administrators have assembled their own band yet.

Schools need to recognize national holidays

Holiday: (n) a day fixed by law or custom on which ordinary business is suspended in commemoration of some event or in honor of some person.

According to this definition, holidays are celebrated by taking off of work or school because of specific religious days or memorable moments in history. However, in most schools, holidays are solely religious days causing those other important historical days to be left ignored.

Rosh Hashanah, Christmas, Yom Kippur and Easter are four religious days that most schools around the country acknowledge , and on those days, many schools are not in session. Of course, these days are very important; however, these holidays are only celebrated by only a select group of Americans. There are other unreligious, national holidays that some schools fail to recognize that every American citizen celebrates. For example, Columbus Day and Pearl Harbor Day are two major pieces of American history for which every American citizen should be obligated to take a break and honor.

Columbus Day was created in honor of Christopher Columbus’s arrival to the New World. If any national holiday were to be celebrated, one of the most important ones should be Columbus Day because this was the day that marked the beginning of the history of the United States of America.

America celebrates Pearl Harbor Day in remembrance of the attack on Pearl Harbor by the Imperial Japanese Navy in 1941. The attack left many wounded and killed over 1,100 crewmembers on the Battleship Arizona alone, which resulted in the start of World War II. This holiday holds a strong importance in American history, yet students do not miss classes. Because the schools do not acknowledge the significance of that day in history, many students remain unaware of it as well.

These days alone have just as much significance as the holidays our schools do give off for. These holidays include Thanksgiving, the traditional American celebration of giving thanks that began at the Plymouth Plantation in 1621; New Year’s, the day that marks the beginning of the new year; and even Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a day of remembrance to Martin Luther King Jr., who was a chief spokesman for nonviolence activism and a peaceful protestor against racial discrimination.

Everyone in America can celebrate each national holiday because it does not pertain to one’s religion in any way. However, most schools still ignore this fact. According to the U.S. Office of Personnel Management, the legal national holidays include Columbus Day and Washington Day as well as New Year’s, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Veterans Day and Thanksgiving. However, the law states that each state has its own jurisdiction over what it wants to do with each holiday.

If schools in America are going to take off for some national holidays, they should take off for all national holidays because every holiday has important meaning. This would also decrease the contradiction among students, parents and faculty members all around the United States of America.

Mother of East student sends concerned email about schedule mix-up

Yesterday at 10:51 a.m Francine Quinton, 49, sent a very concerned email to guidance counselor Ravine Brady, 53, about her son, Marcus Quinton (’13), and his schedule.

According to the email, “Marcus signed up for Cooking, but in return he got Computer Graphics,” wrote Francine.

The distressed 15-year old uploaded his schedule onto Facebook and added to his post that, “[his] schedule might change” with a sad emoticon following.

Marcus’s friend, Jamie Littleton (’13) commented on his post, “OMG, no way! Does this mean we might not have lunch together NEmore? This sux. I M so mad!”

Brady sent an email back at exactly 1:36 p.m the same day explaining that, “Cooking was full, so the only other option for that same period would be Computer Graphics. The only other option would be to change Marcus’s schedule completely.”

As the troubled mother was running to Target to pick up some milk and Eggo Chocolate Chip Waffles, she called up the school to talk to the guidance counselor hoping to make some sort of compromise.

“I just don’t understand why Marcus can’t be in Cooking but all those other kids can. It’s not fair to my son,” said Francine.

“There was no way that I can fit Marcus into Cooking unless he is willing to switch Lunch, period 5 to Lunch, period 4,” said Brady. After Marcus’s mother told him the news, Marcus had to decide whether he would keep the same lunch period and take Computer Graphics, or switch his lunch period and take Cooking.

According to Marcus, the only problem with the switch is that he is not sure if he would want to eat lunch right after Cooking because all those sweets might “ruin [his] appetite for his favorite sandwich of Genoa salami and American cheese with yellow mustard on white bread.”

Brady sent the Quinton family an Add/Drop form in case the family decided to take Marcus out of Computer Graphics.

“I try to do the best I can with giving every student the classes they want, but sometimes it just doesn’t agree with the rest of their schedule,” said Brady, “The guidance counselor’s job can be hard sometimes.”

For now, Marcus and Francine Quinton are currently discussing the choices and are trying to make a decision before school starts so “my little Marcus won’t be confused when his schedule changes during the first month of school. That would just be wrong,” said Francine.

Student takes gym sports seriously

George B. Johnson (’10) is the man with a plan; a game plan that is.
 
Floor hockey, a familiar old gym sport, is now on the rise to becoming as big as college football and basketball all thanks to Johnson.
 
“I’ve always like to explore the unknown, you know?” Said Johnson, “When I stepped onto that gymnasium floor with that hockey stick for the first time, I was like… whoa. I knew this was my destiny.”
 
September twenty-fifth, a day like any other regular Monday at Cherry Hill East, was the day Johnson discovered his love and natural talent for floor hockey, according to Johnson that is.
 
“Man, we were just doin’ our thing on that there court man and he was just ripping up the floor like some crazy dude, man!” said Johnson’s best friend Louie Steward (’10). “Man, the final score was crazy man it was like seventy to two or something!”
 
Not only does everyone now cut their seventh period class to watch Johnson and his team play floor hockey during gym, but Johnson also got the approval of Cherry Hill East principal Ron O’Schmeeza to start his own floor hockey club at East.
 
“I really love watching Johnson play,” said Stephanie Guenn (’13), president of the George B. Johnson fan club. “I’ve already gotten eight white cards from skipping AP calculus because I can not stand to miss one game. I’ll be really upset when floor hockey season is over!”
 
O’Schmeeza, although not approving of the simultaneous class cutting, makes an appearance at every floor hockey match.
 
Colleges from all over the Unites States are now looking at Johnson to recruit. Only very few Division I colleges have floor hockey teams. Now, however, the increased demand for Johnson has paralleled an upward growth of collegiate floor hockey teams.
 
“We’ve always seriously considered starting a Floor Hockey team,” said Minnie King, the Athletics Director at Louisiana State University. “Now if Johnson comes to LSU, we’re definitely doing it. Go Tigers!”
 
“I really want to go to LSU. I think they will really be able to help me with my professional floor hockey career.” Said Johnson, “I was already offered a contract with the Washington Prairie Dogs, my favorite professional floor hockey team, but I told them I want to wait until after college. You know, just in case I get injured or something. I’ve been having this strange ache in my right pinky toe. You can never be too careful.”
 
According to the talk show “Hockey-Watch” on ESPN, the Washington Prairie Dogs are currently the second best team in the NFHL (National Floor Hockey League) next to the Atlanta Lancers and the Pittsburg Manatees who are both tied for first.
 
“Johnson is a really good kid and has exceptional grades,” said Lisa Whinstone, Johnson’s guidance counselor. “Even if something goes wrong with his floor hockey career, not saying it will, he will still have an extremely promising future as maybe a technician or a scientist or something. I have a lot of faith in him.”
 
Because of Johnson’s new found talent he has not only gained immense popularity, but he has also been nominated for the Cherry Hill East Senior Hall of Fame, Mr. East, and the superlative for “Most Likely to Become a Celebrity”.
 
Johnson appears to have his entire life planned out all thanks to gym class.

Predatory Bird Abducts East Student

At approximately 7:45 am on October 6, East student Donald Ronaldson (’13) was abducted by an excessively large red-tailed hawk. Students claim that in the weeks leading up to the abduction, the giant bird had been seen lurking around the school during the day, perching atop the flagpole, peering into classrooms, and watching the sports teams practice.

Whitney McFreebird (’13), a close friend of Ronaldson who witnessed the entire attack told us between sobs; “I’ve never seen anything like this. One minute my friend and I are eating Nilla wafers, having a lengthy discourse about President Obama’s plans for health care, and the next thing I know I’m on the ground and he’s being carried away in the talons of a giant bird!”

Principle Ron O’Schmeeza has taken matters into his own hands by contacting a nearby wildlife research center and the Rescue Operations for Children Kidnappings Society (ROCKS). The nationally renowned organization has been on the lookout for the abnormally large bird and its prey and continues to ask for volunteers to run around dressed like mice to help attract the culprit.

Cherry Hill officials are declaring the area around Camden a makeshift nesting region, used by the birds as a rest stop on their way back home to Canada. No one is positive whether this is a potential clue as to where our victim is headed, or whether this nest already existed in Camden prior to the abduction.

Eugene Reynolds, 35, a wildlife expert from the Behavioral Institute for Really Dangerous Species (BIRDS), says “the reasoning for this haphazard conduct is due to the rapid change of climate in southern Québec. This is causing a change in the diet patterns of the red-tailed hawks and other predatory birds native to Canada.”

While officials in Québec laughed off inquiries about climate change, they maintained that the shift in migratory patterns of the red-tailed hawks should be harmless.

Ronaldson’s parents have already filed a complaint to the Board of Education about the lack of security monitoring on school grounds, which they claim has endangered the student body. The Board of Education has taken the abnormal abduction seriously, and has resolved to install one camera at the back of the school.

“The only way to prevent any further abduction,” Reynolds says, “is to place the entire population of red-tailed hawks and any other rapacious birds surrounding East in Room C311 for further research with a Temperature control of lower than 60 degrees Fahrenheit, boxes of mice to resume their original diet, and a lot of props that will create the illusion that the species are still in their native habitat.”

The Cherry Hill Board of Education will be taking this issue to Congress. A report on further instructions of how to keep your children safe will be arriving in the next few months.